Moms will be moms!

*Mona Lisa's Mother*: 'After all that money your father and I spent
on your braces, is that the biggest smile you can give us?'

*Columbus's Mother*: 'I don't care what you've discovered, you still could
have written !'

*Michelangelo' s' Mother*: ' Can't you paint on walls like other children?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?'

*Napoleon's Mother*: 'All right, if you aren't hiding your report card
inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me.'

*Abraham Lincoln's Mother*:' Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just
wear a baseball cap like the other kids?'

*Mary's Mother*:' I'm not upset your lamb followed you to school, but I
would like to know how he got a better grade than you.

*Albert Einstein's Mother*:' But it's your senior picture. Can't you do
something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?'
*George Washington's Mother*: The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye.'
*Jonah's Mother*':' that's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really
been for the last three days.'
*Thomas Edison's Mother*:' Of course I'm proud that you invented the
electric bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed.'

Jesus & Satan

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering..
Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports .
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed  across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of   course, the power went off..
  Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
  Jesus just sighed..
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
    'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'
God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES.....

Terrible Situation..... amazing Solutions!

The phone rings. The lady of the house answers, "Yes? "
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking"
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well
and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks. "Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease (related to memory) and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questions Mrs. Ward. "Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he remembers and finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
Go to http://www.sjrkumar.blogspot.com

Computer - Male or Female?

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.' A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two Groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because: 1.. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself Spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. (THIS GETS BETTER!) The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model... The women won.

SORRY!!!

IT'S no joke that we have all fallen for some pretty stupid jokes over the years.

From the turn of the century, wise-guys have been making up stories that have spread quicker than butter on a hot cross bun - and all in aid of April Fool's Day.

Let us celebrate April Fool's Day!!!

Regards

SJR Kumar

Smart Women.....

The Silent Treatment 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM” He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. 

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WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, “in-laws"

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WOMEN'S REVENGE 

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally." 

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W O R D S 

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

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CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
“The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! 

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WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ............ ."HEBREWS"


God may have created man before woman,
But looks like there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. 

Why Indian Students are attacked abroad.............?

Why Indian Students are attacked abroad.............?
 
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
 
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: ?'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''
 
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F ___ the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese  Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
 
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008'.